How to Not Accidentally Teach Your Kids to Lie

Every parent wants to raise his or her children well. When I have explained the possibility of accidentally teaching children to lie, I have seen parent's face light up with recognition. I have seen people place their palms on their cheeks and say, "Oh, my..."

So, how can you accidentally teach your child to lie? Here's a scenario. It may be a little dated for the age of caller ID, but it makes the principle clear.

Mom is in the middle of doing something that mom wants to do when the phone rings. Eight-year-old son picks up the phone and answers it politely. "Hi, Mrs. Jones." Mom's head jerks around and she waves to get son's attention. Then she silently mouths the words, "Tell her I am not home," while waving her hands in front of her to indicate to her son that he should pretend she is not home. This is because, of course, mom does not want to talk to Mrs. Jones for some reason. 

Is this a harmless lie? For mom and Mrs. Jones, it likely will have zero repercussions in the long run. But is it harmless for her son? Not remotely. Let's dig into this a little deeper.

Mom thinks this is a harmless white lie. She doesn't want to talk to Mrs. Jones right now. If son does this, it would not bother mom too much. After all, she does it.

But son has learned a different lesson. Son has learned a broader lesson because son is watching mom for principles for life. Son has learned from mom that small lies are acceptable when the truth is inconvenient or difficult. Son will later on apply this lesson to his communication with mom. Son will ask mom if he can go to the movies with his friends. Mom will say OK and ask what movie son is going to see. Son wants to see an R-rated movie that mom doesn't want him to see. The truth is difficult and why should mom get to decide what movie son gets to see? After all, son is 15 years old and should be able to decide for himself what movies he sees! So son tells mom he is seeing a PG-rated movie that is playing at about the same time in the same movie theater. Son reasons that it's not a big deal because he is not killing anyone or stealing anything. It's a harmless lie because the truth would be inconvenient or difficult... for him.

By telling small lies for her convenience, mom has taught son that this is an ok way to handle life. The problem is that mom only considered her values and priorities about what's ok to lie about but son picked up the principle of lying for convenience. Now that son is older, mom's "petty rules" are quite inconvenient to son's sense of fun so son lies to mom. Son's priorities are different so son applies mom's principle of lying for convenience to his own priorities and values. Mom finds out son lied, punishes him and then in her private time wonders how she raised a son that would lie to his mother's face. But the truth is that she unwittingly taught him to lie to her.

This principle also extends to other leadership relationships. A supervisor who asks his employee to fudge data on a report to a manager has unwittingly taught that employee to lie to him. A mayor who asks her assistant to lie for her has taught her assistant to lie to her.

So what's the solution? The solution is to not lie. "Tell her I'm busy right now and I will call her later" accomplishes the same thing as "Tell her I'm not home," and it has the benefit of being truthful. "I'm busy" is true even if you are busy relaxing on the couch and don't feel like talking. Why we feel compelled to tell "little white lies," and how they damage relationships is a topic for another blog post.

Alternatively, mom could ask son to lie for her and then explain why it's OK in this case but not OK to lie to mom. Good luck with that.

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John Rallison blogs on life topics at johnrallison.blogspot.com. 

What Are You Called to Do? (Dig Deeper Vidcast/Podcast Bible Study)

As we continue our series on life in ordinary time, one concept to bear in mind is the idea of "vocation." We all have callings in our life. The scriptures tell us we are made by God and re-made in Jesus Christ for God's good and creative work. Contemplate this for a few minutes in this edition of Dig Deeper. Pastor John ends with one three-levelled process for considering if you might be being called to do something or stop doing something.

Audio File (Stream/Download/Podcast)

Video File - YouTube

Release - Letting Go of the Past and the Future to Live in the Present (sermon audio/video/printables)

Things we have done or things that have been done to us can feel like a weight we are dragging through time. Worries over the future can feel like breathing stuffy air under a blanket. True freedom in Christ is found by living in the present — letting the past go as forgiven and redeemed while entrusting the unknowable future to the hands of the loving creator of all.

Sermon Handout PDF

Audio (stream/download/podcast)

YouTube Video

Want To Be Happier? Science Says Practice Gratitude

Alice Walker, author of "The Color Purple," once wrote, "'Thank you' is the best prayer that anyone could say. I say that one a lot. Thank you expresses extreme gratitude, humility, and understanding."

Just as science has been confirming the health benefits of forgiveness (see my blog post: A Simple Habit for a Longer, Healthier Life), research continues to support another practice long encouraged in my own Christian spiritual tradition: gratitude. Importantly, the research points to a practice of gratitude, not simply some amorphous attitude of gratitude. More on that shortly.

In one study by Dr. Robert A. Emmons (University of California, Davis) and Dr. Michael E McCullough (University of Miami), participants were asked to write a few sentences each week focusing on the following topics. One group wrote about things they were grateful for that had happened. A second group wrote about irritations or things that had displeased them. A third group wrote about things that had affected them without emphasizing the positive or negative aspects. After 10 weeks, those who wrote about things they were thankful for reported feeling more optimistic and better about their lives. As an unexpected byproduct, they also reported exercising more and visiting their doctor less than those who had written about irritations and displeasing incidents. (See a more detailed summary here.)

In a study of couples reported in the Harvard Mental Health Letter, individuals who took time to express gratitude for their partner not only felt more positive toward the other person but, surprisingly, also felt more comfortable expressing concerns about their relationship. See the referenced edition of The Harvard Mental Health Letter for more interesting research on gratitude.

Forbes.com published an article listing seven scientifically proven benefits of gratitude (see it here): 1) Gratitude opens the door to more relationships; 2) Gratitude improves physical health; 3) Gratitude improves psychological health; 4) Gratitude enhances empathy and reduces aggression; 5) Grateful people sleep better; 6) Gratitude improves self-esteem; and 7) Gratitude increases mental strength.

In The Gifts of Imperfection, researcher Dr. Brene Brown writes, "When it comes to gratitude, the word that jumped out at me throughout this research process is practice." "Without exception, every person I interviewed who described living a joyful life or who described themselves as joyful, actively practiced gratitude and attributed their joyfulness to their gratitude practice." "People were quick to point out the differences between happiness and joy as the difference between a human emotion that’s connected to circumstances and a spiritual way of engaging with the world that’s connected."

Dr. Brown likens the difference between a gratitude attitude and practice to the difference between a yoga attitude and practice. One can have a yoga attitude (mindfulness, presence, body-mind-spirit interconnectedness, etc.) and even own yoga pants, but the difference comes when you put on the yoga pants and spend time doing yoga. Her research discovered gratitude practices such as keeping a gratitude journal, doing daily gratitude meditations or prayers, creating gratitude art, and even stopping during the day to say out loud, "I am grateful for..." Dr. Brown concludes, "It seems that gratitude without practice may be a little like faith without works — it's not alive."

Intuitively, one might think that happier and healthier people are more thankful. But it turns out that the reverse is true: thankful people are happier and healthier. This is good news because it means you have a choice you can make today that will lead to a happier healthier life. Choose to practice gratitude.

Here are 11 ways to include gratitude as a regular practice in your life. Choose one. Practice it for two weeks and see if you don't notice the difference.

1. Keep a gratitude journal. (This seems to be a popular one, but I have never been able to successfully keep a journal about anything for very long!)
2. Thank/compliment someone specifically every day.
3. Use a gratitude jar. On slips of paper, write something every day that you are grateful for. When you are feeling a little bitter, open the jar and remind yourself of all you have to be thankful for. You can also make this into a relational game with family or friends. Fill the gratitude jar as a family. At the end of a week or two, read the slips of paper one at a time and try to guess who is thankful for what.
4. Intentionally avoid starting any conversation with a complaint.
5. When a complaining thought pops into your head, counter it with a grateful thought.
6. Use “what can I learn?” when confronted with difficult situations or people. Most of our real learning comes through struggle and difficulty. So when that comes, ask, "What can I learn?" and be grateful for the opportunity.
7. Take a gratitude walk, noticing things with amazement and beauty.
8. Have intentional gratitude conversation (perhaps at meals?).
9. Thank people in service jobs (e.g. cashiers, waiters, etc.).
10. Make/display gratitude art.
11. Pray or meditate, visualizing things for which you are thankful.

As for me? I'm thankful you read this far and I'm grateful for the opportunity to help other people through writing!
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John Rallison is the pastor of Journey of Life Lutheran Church, celebrating 11 years in Lake Nona. You can hear or watch his recent sermon on gratitude by visiting www.journeyoflife.org.

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To Live Longer Healthy Happier, Learn to Forgive

"Bitterness is a poison you swallow hoping someone else gets sick."

I don't know who said this, but it's true. When you hold onto hurt — when you refuse to forgive — you are the one you are hurting. This has been a spiritual truth for millennia. More recently it has become a scientifically demonstrated truth, as well.

A study entitled, "Forgive to Live," published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine involving 1,500 adults ages 66 or over demonstrated that those who practiced "conditional forgiveness" — meaning that they would not forgive others until they apologized or promised not to do it again — died earlier than those who scored low on the conditional forgiveness scale. This is consistent with a growing body of research demonstrating positive mental and physical health effects associated with forgiveness.

"But, what about...?"

Nope. No buts. "But" is a conditional forgiveness word that apparently can decrease your lifespan. Before you throw in the towel and resign yourself to an early death because of what someone said or did to you, let's tease apart the general idea of forgiveness into two components: forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness and reconciliation are often thought of together because they often happen together. But they are two different steps. 

Reconciliation is about restoring the broken relationship between the people involved. And, most importantly for our discussion, reconciliation depends on the willingness and ability of everyone involved. There's the rub. Sometimes reconciliation is not possible. The other person may need more time. The other person may neither desire nor care about reconciling. The other person may have died (this happens especially with parents). In many cases, reconciliation simply is not an option. That's why it is important to see forgiveness as a separate issue. 

The difference is this: reconciliation is about "us" while forgiveness is about "me." Separating forgiveness and reconciliation in your mind will free you to forgive in ways and times you may never have thought possible.

Merriam-Webster's first definition of forgiveness is not so helpful: "to stop feeling anger toward someone." Have you ever tried to just stop being angry? How'd that work out? Not so hot, eh? Yeah, me, neither.

Here is the best definition of forgiveness I have ever read: "give up your right to get even." 

Retribution is so natural to the human condition. If you say something hurtful, I say something hurtful back. If you hit me, I hit you. If you break something of mine, I break something of yours. It even seems like justice. But the research indicates that retribution and withholding forgiveness until reconciliation can be achieved is bad for you.

The good news is that "give up your right to get even" is something you can do choose to do. If you've been hurt deeply, it will likely be a choice you have to make over and over. But, unlike "stop being angry," "give up your right to get even" is a choice you can make. 

It's also a general attitude you can cultivate that will significantly decrease negative emotions in your life. Imagine the day when someone wrongs you and your natural response is to wonder what is going on with them rather than thinking about how to get back at them. This may seem far-fetched, but the more you live into the notion that forgiveness is only about you and how you relate to others, the more natural it will become.

The Mayo Clinic, in an article entitled, "Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness," (jump to May Clinic article) asserts that forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less anxiety, stress and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• Stronger immune system
• Improved heart health
• Higher self-esteem

WebMD also has a great article (jump to WebMD article).

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Who could actually forget some of the really major hurts of their life?

Forgiving does not mean pretending nothing happened (nor does reconciling). Quite the opposite. When you make the decision to forgive, the underlying presupposition of that decision is that you have been hurt and need to consciously decide to forgive.

Forgiving does not necessarily mean no consequences for the other person. Full reconciliation often includes compensation for wrongs done. You might choose to release the other person from the consequences, but that is a separate issue from forgiveness.

Forgiving is simply giving up your right to get even. You can choose forgiveness with regard to individual situations. You can develop forgiveness as a life attitude that flows from you as a natural reaction. And forgiveness will even contribute to a healthier, longer life.

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Dig Deeper into Jesus' Parables that End in Judgment

For the church I pastor, I do these weekly "Dig Deeper" Bible studies as a way for people to dig more deeply into the topic of the Sunday sermon.

A Free, Scientifically Proven Way to Be Physically Healthier and Feel Better about Life

There is a scenario tossed around occasionally about scientists doggedly slugging their way up the mountain of reality by experimentation on testable hypotheses only to find, when they reach the top, the theologians are sitting up there having tea.

That's certainly not going to happen with every religious belief or practice. However, an increasing body of scientific evidence is pointing to the mental and physical health benefits of an ancient practice that is found in many of the world's religions: meditation.

Stop! Don't leave! I'm not suggesting you wear beads and sit cross-legged in the forest chanting, "Om." Give me another moment to present the evidence and explain the practice before you reject this blog as hazy unrealistic spiritualism.

Depending on your faith or worldview, there might be specific ways for you to practice meditation, but the basic practice of meditation is available to everyone from Atheists to Zoroastrians. At the end of this blog I will give you a link to a powerful, simple, free resource to help you get started if you are willing to at least give it a shot. Somewhat ironically, it is a cell phone app (they also have a web site version).

My personal experience is that when I have taken time to meditate, my outlook on my whole day... really my whole life... is subtly changed for the better. I find myself living with a calmer spirit, an increased sense of gratitude, greater hopefulness and a positive feeling of being able to handle the challenges life throws my way.

Setting the religious elements aside, meditation is essentially about practicing mental focus. Our minds are active travelers through time and space. We spend time reliving the past and rehearsing various possible futures. We think about what is going on in places we are not. The Mayo Clinic (might as well start with the big guns!) describes meditation as a time when "you focus your attention and eliminate the stream of jumbled thoughts that may be crowding your mind and causing stress. This process may result in enhanced physical and emotional well-being." (This article on their web site is a good overview.)

Obviously there is a ton of information available in the internet so, beyond my personal testimony and the endorsement of the Mayo Clinic, I'm going to give you a short bullet list of the benefits of meditation with each item linked to its source. Note that these are all practical, evidence-based, non-religious/spiritual web sites.

Meditation...

• physically changes your brain in positive ways, including reducing depression and anxiety. (Click here for article on Forbes.com)
• builds resilience, boosts emotional intelligence, enhances creativity, improves relationships, increases focus. (Click here for article in Harvard Business Review)
• can help relieve the symptoms of chronic pain. (Click here for article in Massachusetts Institute of Technology News)
• may reduce the degradation of our telomeres (the end caps of DNA) that happens with age and can be accelerated by chronic stress. (Click here for video on Nutritionfacts.org)
• boosts your health, happiness, social life, self-control, and productivity along with keeping you real and making you wiser. (Click here for article in Psychology Today, with links)

Wow! That's quite a list! And meditation can produce the great effects listed above without the side-effects of pharmaceuticals. (Drugs, of course, have their place. I won't be trying to meditate my way through a root canal!)

So, if you are game, here's the free app. It's called, "Calm." It is available for both Android and iOS. Their web site is Calm.com and works just like their apps. They have a paid subscription that unlocks more content, but you don't need it.

In the most basic form of meditation, the meditator sits in a comfortable but alert posture (think sitting up straight in a chair with the hands resting in the lap), closes her eyes and breathes in a slow, steady, natural way. Then meditator focuses her mind simply on the sensations associated with the breathe moving in and out of her body. When the mind wanders, the meditator gently and nonjudgmentally returns the focus of the mind to the breath. It's important to use some kind of timer so you don't end up worrying about how much time you are spending meditating. :) 

The advantage of using the app/web site over simply trying to meditate on your own is that the app/web site offers background sounds and guided meditations of various types. This can be extraordinarily helpful for beginners. It was for me (and still is). The app/web site lets you to select from a variety of guided meditations (none oriented to a specific faith or worldview) and background audio (including nature sounds and soft music). You can also use just the background audio with the timer function without the peaceful voice guidance.

I sometimes repeat a short mantra that focuses me on life as I think God is calling me to live it according to my Christian faith: "I am here. I am now. I am loved. And I love." I say these phrases silently in slow rhythm as I breathe in and out, focusing on being just where I am at that moment in space and time.

I offer you both my personal testimony and the scientific evidence for the power of meditation to positively affect your life in both mind and body. I hope you'll try it.

NOTE: I am not affiliated with Calm in any way. I don't receive any compensation for recommending the app other than the intangible benefits of helping other people by recommending something that has made a difference in my life.

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